In our warm African culture, visiting people is a major part of our heritage. We visit people for a variety of reasons ranging from celebrations to commiserations and all other experiences in between. Some visits are short whilst some extend into a long day visit or even go on for a few days. I have heard of a supposedly "short" visit that lasted eight hours; interestingly enough this was not a case of a person who was invited but some one who had come to discuss an issue.

Our warmth and hospitality in this part of the world is almost unrivalled; we go all out to satisfy our guests and sometimes give our last portions to make a guest feel welcome. We also do not like confrontations and we are hardly ever direct with people in our dealings with them. So we do not know how to tell friends and family how we feel about a situation or an arrangement. We will rather suffer in silence than upset someone by stating an outright inconvenience.

It is in the light of the above that everyone would need to consider what is proper and fair when visiting people. As you may know, etiquette is about consideration, sensitivity and respect; not a list of dos and don’ts. So let us take a journey together to analyse what is acceptable and perhaps what we may need to change with regards to visiting people.

Firstly, a visit should be a happy experience between the parties involved. In view of this, as much as it is possible, it is better to only visit people following an invitation or after prior notification. A phone call, email, letter or even a text message to say that you are coming is in order; the medium you choose to convey the message would also depend on the kind of visit and the length of time it is supposed to take. When notification has been given; it is better to wait for an answer from the host before proceeding with your visit. This means you can not turn up at someone’s door to spend the night when you have only sent a text message for which you are yet to receive a reply.

Secondly, in seeking a reply from your host, it is advisable to make your intending visit known in a way that your host can easily say "No" if they choose. In other words, give your host the room to manoeuvre. After all what is the use of inviting yourself over to a friend’s house and they pretend you are welcome but in truth they detest your presence in their house.

Here is an example of a good way to invite yourself to visit someone; the question may be phrased as follows. "I was thinking of coming over to your place, are you free this evening?" The hearer can proceed to say "I am engaged this evening but we can meet tomorrow if that is okay with you". They may also say "I am sorry all my evenings are occupied this week, can I call you whenever I am free to arrange this visit". Of course, the answer may also be "Please come along this evening, it would be nice to see you".

It however appears that we prefer to impose ourselves on our friends and family because we think they should not have a choice whenever we are visiting whether it is convenient for them or not.

Unfortunately the fact that we Africans do not often voice out our opinion to guests (invited or not) makes it doubly mandatory for anyone who intends to visit family or friend to try not to make any visit whatsoever a painful experience or nuisance to the host.

Many people do not believe in the need to respect other people in this regard, they simply think it does not matter as "we are close friends or family". Because many people cannot directly say what they feel, they resort to lying and playing all kinds of tricks when they are in a tight corner.

Overstaying your welcome may vary from not announcing your visit to coming in and refusing to leave after a few hours. An eight-hour visit is simply unacceptable except in cases where there is a prior arrangement for such a visit.

Below are a few points to consider: except in cases of emergency, it is better to phone or text your host before arriving at their door. When you are given an audience, it is wise to judge the situation and act appropriately; do not overstay a welcome. If your host seems to be going out, do not prolong your visit unnecessarily even if you are enjoying yourself. Accept whatever you are offered, no demands should be made on the host. If a carton of juice or a 1.5-litre bottle of Coca-Cola is placed before you, do not finish the drink. Having only one glass shows consideration to your host and good breeding. If you overdo it, you may never get offered any next time. Give due consideration to the convenience of your host at all times.

We all benefit when we do things right!